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Hope and Disappointment

August 18, 2014

Dear Reader,

A lot of my recent perceptions are being colored by my job search.  Those of us who’ve had to go through it recently know what a ego-crushing, self-confidence defeating procedure it often is.  This one has been no different, even though it’s been much shorter than my Illinois job search (so far).  For example, after being verbally told I was a “shoo-in” for a particular position and that I’d be called at 2 o’clock the following day, I never heard from the people.  That was of course a Friday, so I got to wait all weekend wondering what the heck happened.  Now, I’m not sure if I should call and appear impatient or wait and appear uninterested.  It’s a no-win situation.  Most of job hunting is, until the ultimate win, at any rate.

For that reason in particular, I’ve had a hard time getting my hopes up about things recently, whether they are tied to the job hunt or not.  It’s the age-old reason that not getting my hopes up means I’m less disappointed when things don’t go my way.  Sure, it sound particularly teen-angsty, and I’m sure it is, really, but still, there’s no point denying my emotions.  

I’ve not had any patience with situations that require hope to continue, meaning that in games, I’ve been quitting earlier than perhaps was necessary, believing that those games were sure defeats.  This has affected my Magic:The Gathering Online play, for instance, because I concede games as soon as it appears I’m going to lose.  Some of my buddies have been complaining about it, too, so it’s affecting their desire to play with me (not to any measurable amount, mind you, just on a general level).  

I’m not sure whether getting a job will solve these problems or not, but I suspect it would.  I said a long time ago, near the start of this blog, in fact, that I found it likely that my loss of being a public school teacher was directly tied to my inability to heroic raid any more.  The small, personal mistakes felt like larger failures, I had less patience than previously in dealing with others’ mistakes, and my drive to give it the old college try was diminished, all of which led to me deciding it just wasn’t worth the trouble.  My personal life being out of sorts affected my game life.

I suppose that’s no great revelation (especially since I noted it years ago), but it does bring up an interesting question: If I am successful getting back into the public schools, will I be interested in heroic raiding again?  I’ve discounted my capabilities for several reasons (age, reflexes, time, etc), but I wonder.  I suppose I’ll have to get a job first to figure it out.  Here’s to – trying – to hope for that.


Stubborn (and feeling blue)

3 Comments leave one →
  1. August 18, 2014 1:22 pm

    I think it’ll bring you back up in confidence to get a job. Our sense of self-worth and ability as Americans is pretty well tied to that. When I didn’t have a job (and it was only a few months) I just started getting depressed and I felt pretty useless, even though I was a fresh college graduate and I knew it would take a while beforehand to get someone to take a chance on me.

  2. Malchiah permalink
    August 18, 2014 5:51 pm

    I’ve been out of work a really long time. I know it has affected my own perceived value to others, as well as my enjoyment of games, partly due to the fact that I feel guilty playing them when I should arguably be doing something else with my time.

    The longer someone is out of work, the harder it is to get back in. My eyes glaze over every time I make an effort to look and I end up doing something else to distract myself.

    Fortunately, you’ve never been someone who gives up easily. (Except perhaps when you’ve felt you have “beaten” a game without feeling the need to actually complete it. Knowing you could finish and actually finishing are two separate things. Perhaps that’s a factor as well?)

  3. kaleedity permalink*
    August 20, 2014 12:02 pm

    re: twitter feed


    Regarding the post:

    The closest to depression I’ve ever been was during the 15 months I was unemployed after college and going through non-response and interview failures rapidly. I was eventually hired and have been at the same position for almost 6 years because I met a guy playing D&D. Turns out that playing a cleric looks good on a resume.

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