Hope and Disappointment
A lot of my recent perceptions are being colored by my job search. Those of us who’ve had to go through it recently know what a ego-crushing, self-confidence defeating procedure it often is. This one has been no different, even though it’s been much shorter than my Illinois job search (so far). For example, after being verbally told I was a “shoo-in” for a particular position and that I’d be called at 2 o’clock the following day, I never heard from the people. That was of course a Friday, so I got to wait all weekend wondering what the heck happened. Now, I’m not sure if I should call and appear impatient or wait and appear uninterested. It’s a no-win situation. Most of job hunting is, until the ultimate win, at any rate.
For that reason in particular, I’ve had a hard time getting my hopes up about things recently, whether they are tied to the job hunt or not. It’s the age-old reason that not getting my hopes up means I’m less disappointed when things don’t go my way. Sure, it sound particularly teen-angsty, and I’m sure it is, really, but still, there’s no point denying my emotions.
I’ve not had any patience with situations that require hope to continue, meaning that in games, I’ve been quitting earlier than perhaps was necessary, believing that those games were sure defeats. This has affected my Magic:The Gathering Online play, for instance, because I concede games as soon as it appears I’m going to lose. Some of my buddies have been complaining about it, too, so it’s affecting their desire to play with me (not to any measurable amount, mind you, just on a general level).
I’m not sure whether getting a job will solve these problems or not, but I suspect it would. I said a long time ago, near the start of this blog, in fact, that I found it likely that my loss of being a public school teacher was directly tied to my inability to heroic raid any more. The small, personal mistakes felt like larger failures, I had less patience than previously in dealing with others’ mistakes, and my drive to give it the old college try was diminished, all of which led to me deciding it just wasn’t worth the trouble. My personal life being out of sorts affected my game life.
I suppose that’s no great revelation (especially since I noted it years ago), but it does bring up an interesting question: If I am successful getting back into the public schools, will I be interested in heroic raiding again? I’ve discounted my capabilities for several reasons (age, reflexes, time, etc), but I wonder. I suppose I’ll have to get a job first to figure it out. Here’s to – trying – to hope for that.
Stubborn (and feeling blue)